I'm Not THAT Crazy; Am I?

I have to do a little bit of soul searching with this one. I mean, clearly, clearly there are a lot of issues going on here; crazy household, anger issues, a child that needs a bit more attention than most, how to effectively discipline your child... like I said, a lot going on.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. If I did, my life would be so, so much easier. What I do know is when something doesn't feel right. And this does not feel right.

Let's take it bit by bit: Small child comes home after a rough day at school and the first thing he experiences is this woman yelling in his face. My younger kids have a similiar system at school with cards and colors, etc. Most of the time, unless you get a call from the principal, "flipping your card" is for minor offenses. So, this kid had a few minor infractions during the day and was too scared to tell his mom (Gee, I wonder why?), so he lies and says he didn't get in trouble.

Let's stop here. If you KNOW your kid is lying about something, why make them repeat it? Why not just say, "Hey, I know you are lying because of XYZ evidence" and move on? It's just going to make you madder to hear the kid repeat the lie over and over.

And, I'm not sure what the history of this child is, but, I guess he's a handful. I do know that the kid was adopted from Russia. Huge red flag. If this kid came from a Russian orphanage, he's bound to have more issues than most and she should have been well aware of this going in. But, I realize that knowing something and living with it are two very different things. I would just think that she would have a bit more sympathy for a child that had already had a rough start. It breaks my heart to think of children born into a place with no love, no attachment, no kind of a real life. It's wonderful that this woman wanted to rescue this child, but what kind of rescue is this?

So, back to what's going on in the video. She continues berating and screaming before the kid can even take off his jacket. She pours hotsauce into his mouth, then glares at him while he holds it and warns him not to spit it out.

A couple of things about this stand out to me more than others: Why does she keep the hotsauce in the bathroom? Does she use it so often this way that it can't be kept in the kitchen? And, why does she seem to take so much pleasure in having him suffer in front of her? She also makes him tell her the rules as she stands over him. He knows the rules, but, it's pretty hard to follow the rules all day, everyday. Sometimes, people make mistakes. She screams "We don't lie in this house!!!" But, is she perfect? Does she never slip up? And when she does, does someone greet her at the door with hotsauce and a cold shower? I don't think so.

What a way to come home! I feel so sad for this boy. School must be tough for him, but, to not even be able to feel safe at home after a hard day must be so much worse. Imagine not having a soft place to land, ever. Tragic.

So, I watched the video and got angry and sad and judgy and then, I had to step back and think about it. Hadn't I lost my shit occasionally with my children? Oh, yes. So, I did a little more soul searching.

My oldest at about the same age as this boy was more than a handful. He was a spitting, kicking, angry whirling dervish. There were times I used the cold shower treatment when he was in the midst of one of his rages. It worked in the way that rebooting a computer works. Sometimes, when all else fails, you've got to restart the system. I don't relish the thought of these moments. I do realize that maybe I could have done something differently, but 5-10 seconds under cold water was, at the time, the one thing that made him snap out of it. Then, he could calm down and we could talk.

I hate the way this woman screams in the little boy's face. But, hadn't I occasionally screamed? You bet I had. But, I can also remember what it feels like to be on the receiving end. That usually is enough to nip it in the bud for me.

My kids do not have perfect behavior. They screw up. They make mistakes. But, home for them is a soft place to land. The world is a scary place. If they can't feel safe and loved at home, where will they?

I hold my kids accountable for their behavior. Good behavior earns rewards, bad behavior gets the fun stuff taken away. It's not a perfect system and sometimes, they push me to the brink. But, those kids know that I love them. I wonder if the little boy in the video feels that kind of love?